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awake in the middle of the night

From an email to a friend...

I can't sleep, and I think I'm running a fever. But I think this is moving
through my system sort of quickly. I remembered that I had some of those
all-natural cough drops in my nightstand drawer. They worked wonders that
time when I went to the ER with the asthma attack, and I suspect they worked
wonders last month or whenever it was I last had this stuff. So I pulled
them out and started using them again. I'm already noticing improvement in
the breathing arena. I'm beginning to be sold on the essential oils theory.

The other thing that's interesting is that even though I'm sick and
feverish, I feel like I can think for a change. I don't know if
roughhousing with C did something good to my brain or what's up, but my
mind feels unusually alert for being at this stage of the game. So I thought I'd tell somebody about some things I've been thinking about today,
and you're elected.

This morning when I was getting ready for church, I noticed that my outfit
was tight. This is one that was sort of loose the last time I wore it, and
I realized that was probably before the surgery. It upset me a lot, but I
was also thinking a lot. I attribute most of this weight gain to a little
bitty pill I've been taking at night for about eight months now. It's a
wonder drug in terms of migraine control, but it's a bugger in terms of side
effects. The worst is the appetite. I've been trying really hard to limit
what I'm eating, but I'm not doing very well and the truth about how I'm
doing is not something I'm proud of. A Cracker Barrel meal is likely to
fill me up, but that's because I get what my dad calls "the starch plate".
At most meals I could eat two or three plates, and that is
embarrassing. Then I'll be hungry again not too much later--like a couple
of hours--and that is ridiculous. I've heard this is common for people on
this med, and it makes me thankful that I'm not on the regular dose. I'm on
the miniature dose because the starting one made me a zombie. I remember I
slept for 22 hours!

Anyway, I thought things would level out like they did with the Depakote.
They haven't, and I'm getting a little bit scared. My mom is worried about
other medical things I'm at risk for, and I know she has every right to be.
But I don't know how I'm going to take much off between the meds and the
fact that I can't do a lot in the way of serious exercise because of my
asthma. And that's worse because of the weight thing, too.

The way I see it, I have two options, and neither of them looks real good.
I can talk to the doctor and see if there is any option he can give me
that's better than devouring ten heads of lettuce a week, or I can ask him
to wean me off the Elavil and look into alternative means of migraine
control, which would probably mean losing the control I have for a while.
If I can remember to keep track of my symptoms, I can probably avoid the
headache phase, but there's no way to get rid of the flashing lights or the
emotional stuff that goes before them. So I'm trying to decide what it's
worth for me to lose more than a few pounds.

I was never overjoyed with my appearance, but in the past I wasn't
disappointed or ashamed of it. I could dress up nice, fix my hair, etc. and
feel like I looked ok. I don't anymore, no matter what I do, and that's
been going on since a long time ago--oh, about seven years or so. The sad
thing is that I was a lot lighter then. I think that
was sort of the beginning of my disregard for my appearance, which
grew without my knowing into shame. Within the last few months, I've become
embarrassed because it's like my body needs to eat so often, and now I
understand the whole stigma of being overweight. Only I don't want to
change the stigma and have people accept me. I want to change Me--I need to
change me. I'm embarrassed to see people who have known me for a long time,
especially if they haven't seen me, because I know the difference between
now and then is so obvious.

I don't want to do anything stupid just to lose weight, but I need to do
something. I know it's going to be a long road without a lot of motivators.
I am relatively sure that I am deficient in a fair number of vitamins and
that addressing those deficiencies would have some good results in addition
to weight loss. I'm just not sure about where to start, and that's why I
want to do some research. I already know that foods are primary migraine
triggers for me, and maybe that's a good place to start. I'm thinking of
ordering a cookbook I saw online with recipes that eliminate migraine
triggers, and maybe I can start using it after I get home from Des Moines.
I doubt that the week before is a good time to start trying to change
anything. I'll just blow it in Des Moines and be upset with myself. So
better to allow myself to blow it and fix it later. Besides, I need
planning time. There are other triggers which I haven't defined yet
and am less sure how to control for. But I'm leaning toward thinking that
taking the step backward in migraine control is probably preferable to
adding more meds or other options medically available. <shudder>

On that lovely note, I'm going to surf. I may not be making it to group
tonight. We'll see. I may not be doing anything but going to doctors.


Sarah Blake LaRose
my personal site

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