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reflections on the day and health

I didn't talk much about the appointment earlier, and there was more I wanted to say...

I put Loretta in a down/rest beside the wall across the room from the table during the X-ray procedure. I was shocked that she stayed there almost the entire time. When they turned me into a rather contorted position on my right side (facing her), I had some pain, and she cried. This dog is ultra-sensitive to me! Next, they turned me away from her, and I had more pain. She got up and walked purposefully around to the other side of the table and just stood, not misbehaving or anything. She refused to go down but stood quietly until the pictures were done. When they let me up, I got off the other side and called her. She came around the table, straight to me, and ignored all the workers who were cooing about her being so pretty and thinking she was going to run around the room.

I was pretty painful from the X-rays--they positioned me in some odd ways to get views of my back. My only cue to the pain was extreme difficulty in concentrating during Hebrew class. I never have that much trouble doing Hebrew-to-English translations! I almost felt that I couldn't keep track of what I was reading, and I realized at some point that my back was hurting "a little bit." Vicodin did a reasonable job of taking the edge off, and I was able to finish class on a bit better note.

I came home from having all my X-rays and bloodwork and took another 2/5 mg of Prednisone since my doctor said that I could go back to 10 mg once the tests were done. I'm already getting some nice effects, and I'm sure it will take some time to really kick back in. I walked a bit this afternoon along part of the campus route. It is a part that usually fatigues me badly. I did not even feel it. I did not fatigue on the stairs, and I was not grouchy in public with people who wanted to pet Loretta. I was quite annoyed with the taxi driver who was smoking with me in the car; but I think it's natural to be annoyed when a taxi driver's smoking inhibits breathing that I already have to take multiple medications to regulate. I did not fatigue at the end of the day, and my peak flow is back up in the 450 to 500 range. I have to admit that I feel a bit like I'm cheating and manipulating my body, that this is only a temporary thing. But in another part of myself, I feel like this is a potential way of life and I want it to last if at all possible. I want the improved breathing results as well as the improved pain control. I didn't know how much it meant to me until I became able to sing freely...

I realize now how much my poor health has contributed to my emotional state and how much controlling it could do for my emotional well-being. All this time, I've been trying to approach things from a mind-over-matter perspective, and it just has never been effective. There are some things the mind just cannot control; and I need to stop treating myself as weak and crazy just because I don't feel well physically. That is pure self-abuse. I've obviously come a long way because of psychotherapy techniques. In fact, without them I probably would not have advocated for any treatment at all or gone back to school. I shudder to think of the person I would have been! But that set of techniques includes caring for myself physically; and that is something I have always struggled with deeply. A significant reason for that struggle is that it is "in" to care for oneself nutritionally (at least to a point); but admitting that I need medication for pain control or that my inability to breathe is lowering my energy reserves or keeping me from singing at my potential ability is like confessing to an addiction. Society places badges of honor on people who endure suffering. In fact, in many families, a person is not considered sick unless he/she is sick enough to require hospitalization. What needless suffering occurs because of this mindset!

I don't want to live this way! I want to live a full life! I want to be about doing what I am able to do, what I was created to do! I can't do it if I'm busy having an endurance contest! Oh, God, help me overcome the pride that keeps me from admitting that I have need of help to stay healthy1

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3kitties
3kitties
Sarah Blake LaRose
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