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Now is not the time for a Prednisone-induced depression, even if there is a legitimate reason for a scaled-down version of it. I have too much to do, too many papers to concentrate on. All I want to do is hole up in bed with the kitties and pretend it doesn't matter.

But it does. All of it. The papers matter; and what's bothering me matters, even if I can't change it.

I always get through these... I'm posting this public because I do think it matters that people understand that my life is not about being cheerful and confident all the time. I achieve that cheerful, confident air sometimes by a tremendous exercise. In therapy we call it acting oppositie to emotion. It was and remains the most difficult aspect of my life. It often feels like I am denying my own reality. But sometimes reality is molded by my actions; and to refuse to act because I don't feel like it just seals me into a reality that I don't like. It denies the reality that could be. The most powerful moments of acting opposite to emotion are those that come when I am able to completely acknowledge what I feel and want and still choose to do something different because it is better for me in the long run.

But in moments that are so overwhelming, like the Prednisone depression, I have to find a way to give myself space to ride the emotional roller coaster because no amount of action will change the chemically induced state. So it matters that I allow myself the comfort of the cats for a period of time before forcing my brain to do what it really is not in shape to do.

Last week, Dad suggested that I "stop and listen to the holy." How can I do this when I feel so overwhelmed...? Perhaps it would be good to institute a small period of holing up (an hour or so) just to allow my head to clear... I would work better with less time and a clearer head than with more time and a messed-up head...

Fortunately, the last of the massive doses of Prednisone has been taken. I now am just back to the multiple nebulizers a day and the 5 mg dose of Pred at night. Still have a few days of antibiotics. Fortunately, I filled up four weeks' worth of med boxes last night, so I don't need to agonize over whether I'm taking everything I'm supposed to. I just have to get up and take it...

Comments

( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
awallens
Dec. 1st, 2008 04:04 pm (UTC)
I'm thinking of you and sending hugs your way. You know where I am if you need me.
plumlipstick
Dec. 1st, 2008 08:18 pm (UTC)
(hug) Prednisone is no fun. I'm sorry you're having a rough time right now. Are you having the crazy food cravings too? I will pray that God will give you the strength and motivation to push forward. When I took steroids for over 2 years, I found that it worked better if I took it in two doses, with lunch and dinner. That seemed to blunt some of the more annoying side effects. Taking vitamins B6 and B12 seemed to help with the depression. Even with all of that, Prednisone still isn't much fun.
3kitties
Dec. 1st, 2008 08:39 pm (UTC)
Prednisone side effects
I've been taking it at night and that seems to have gotten the cravings down to a manageable level. I'm hoping this will help with my weight loss efforts. Five mg is a fairly low dose, but I've been on some massive boosters lately due to an arthritis flare and a bronchitis infection. I'll probably be doing well to maintain my weight in January. A drop would be a tremendous blessing.

I only had two bouts of major Pred mood this time around, which is better than I expected. Maybe that means I'm becoming able to cope with it. The plan did work this morning, and I've written about three pages on the paper. I still have a long way to go; but I have some structure now and that is a huge help.
synonym4shedog
Dec. 2nd, 2008 05:46 am (UTC)
Ick
Sending hugs from me and Purr Therapy (With New Improved Starfish Paws) from the critters.

One of the worst things about depression is that chase-your-tail feeling depressed about feeling depressed. Like it's all your fault.

On the flip side, it could be worse. My husband went totally nuts in a steroid psychosis -- introducing me to his eyebrows, engaging in long theological discourse with a rubber Halloween spider, and confiding to me that he actually was from an alternate dimension, where he was the manager of an inter-dimensional Ace Hardware.

Edited at 2008-12-02 05:47 am (UTC)
3kitties
Dec. 2nd, 2008 10:52 am (UTC)
Re: Ick
Wow! Steroid psychosis? I'll just stick with the depression, I think. I think that would truly terrify me.
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )

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Sarah Blake LaRose
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