I've been browsing through old entries for the past few days and having a lot of thoughts. I'm going to try to capture at least some of them. God is showing me a lot of things about Himself and myself and areas where He's teaching me and molding me. I'm going to hit the high points right now and plan to expand on them in separate entries. I need to make a commitment to do that. It's something I need to do for my own growth. The reason I'm hitting the high points first is that I'm hoping it will give some sense of order to my thoughts and help me not be so worried about forgetting what I need to write about.
One area where I have strugggled a lot is with understanding issues about healing. There are times when God heals instantly and times when something other than instant healing is needed to relieve suffering. I didn't have the tools to understand this in 1995 the way I do now, although I recognize that some seeds were being planted.
I have a lifelong pattern of leaving churches when things get difficult or I am ignored. When I started going to Cornerstone, I prayed about this. I knew that this was a pattern that needed to be broken. God revealed it to me. I knew that there would be some specific areas where I would have challenges and that I needed to handle them differently in order for my experience with the church to be any different. I need things from the people at church, too; but the only element I can control is me. There are opportunities where I can ask for what I need from people at church, and I also need to take those and realize that I have not only the ability but the responsibility to confront people about things in certain kinds of situations just as I have the responsibility to accept correction and teaching from them. I'm not a little girl. I'm a humble adult. I have flaws but am also a part of the body of Christ just like any other person in the church.
For a long time I have resented the idea that I should change something about myself in order to improve my social situation. There are limits to what things I really need to change--I'm not supposed to be a chameleon! But how I carry myself does communicate to other people. I'm called to live a transformed life as a new creation in Christ, to be holy and manifest the fruits of the Spirit. These are the things that can improve my situation and my response to my areas of need; and these are the things I need to change.
To go along with this, I also have a long-time pattern of believing lies about God based on my needs and pursuing what I want based on those lies instead of trusting Him based on His truth, even and especially when circumstances make it look like He won't provide what I need. I call things good that are sometimes very obviously not. There is a period of my life where this is very obvious when I look back. I can't believe some of the things I justified using spiritual lies! I knew the truth! I just had more interest in getting what I wanted right then than in living that transformed life. In The Foundation Stones, David points out that falling into temptation exposes weaknesses in our foundations. I had some very big weaknesses in my foundation! If I had understood what living that transformed life was really like, I never would have justified some of the things I justified in my life!
I have some recent events to think on... (This must be an important thing to write about because my thoughts are becoming very jumbled!) I need to sort out my thoughts about excellence in service and leadership. This is something that Amy and I talked about on Saturday, and she made some points that were very relevant to me.
I also have some writing to do about migraines and self-discipline. I am not very disciplined about avoiding foods that trigger migraines, and part of "excellence in ministry" for me is a requirement for excellence in caring for myself physically. More on that in another entry... I need to go and practice what I'm preaching and fix some breakfast.