God has been bringing me into situations that can enable me to develop skills I would need for parenting an adopted older child. God is being gracious to me in giving me situations that will help me develop the real parenting skills I need. Why am I resisting? Can i not see that He is setting me apart, protecting my child from mistakes I can avoid making?
I looked back at my plan for getting ready for adoption. I've given up on a lot of those things because it's hard to do them when I can't see the adoption taking shape. But if I don't do them, then I am sabotaging an effort. I have to keep doing them...
So I'm revamping the plan--because now I have some additional things to fit into the picture that mimic parenthood. I do have a family of sorts. Time to take note...
The money issue is a huge thing. I have decided to do the disability thing with the student loan place. I hate it, but the fact is that I am significantly more disabled than I was in college and that impacts my ability to work a traditional full-time job. If the forms go through, the loans will be a non-issue. If they don't go through, then I will pay them off somehow. I have to leave that in God's hands.
Migraine control is still a big issue. I'm back on the vitamins, and I need to make every effort to continue that. I need to get back on South Beach and stop eating like I've eaten over the summer. I had made so much progress, and I'm throwing all that away! I don't want to reach my starting weight or health status again! That means I spend time in the kitchen fixing food and cleaning up--all things I would do if I had a child anyway.
I need to set aside a regular (every day) time to spend with God. That's "me time," and that's important. I can't give to a family if I'm not taking care of me emotionally and spiritually.
I need to keep getting out and participating in church things. That's one area where I think I'm making some decent progress. I'd actually like to get out a bit more, but I haven't found the right thing to get out and do yet. I'm working on it. I think what I need to do is practice getting out and doing things with Amy when I can. I'm going to need to get out and do things with a family, sometimes at times when I don't feel well. I need to quit using not feeling well as a crutch--and sometimes I do use it that way.
I also need to be doing something that lets me give of myself outside my home environment. My writing is an example of that, and I need to set aside time for that.
Another part of nurturing myself is doing something to nurture my animals. As I write this, Sable is sitting at my door, which is closed, as if to confirm what I'm saying. I do need my animals. They're relationships, too, and I need to manage that and not take them for granted...
All this is just to say that I need to pick up the plan again because it isn't even about the adoption. It's about my life, and the adoption is part of it. But the adoption can't happen if I'm basing all my plans solely on that one event. God's blessing on my life is a response to my following His directions because He's giving me the keys to receiving those blessings. I want to follow His directions. I want to open those doors.