I'm having trouble focusing. So many thoughts and feelings! It seems like truly clear-headed moments are so rare for me now, and usually they preceed a migraine. My thinking was clear when I was taking Depakote, but that's not a place I want to go again. I had too much weight gain and too many illnesses that stopped when I quit taking it. But does that mean I'm just refusing treatment? That's what my doctors think.
Why do I go to the doctor? I don't want things just medicated away. I want answers. I want a confirmation of what I feel in my heart is the answer. Would it mean anything? Probably not to most people, even most doctors. But it matters to me because it has to do with how my body works and what I can expect. I seem to be getting worse. But am I really? Or am I just obsessing and enjoying my illness as someone used to put it? And what would I do with a correct diagnosis? Would I take meds then? Or would I resist meds because of potential side effects? I want to think clearly again. But not at the expense of the rest of my health. But if I refuse treatment, then do I have the right to say anything about the experience of living with this? Or should I just shut up and deal with it because I made the choice to refuse treatment? That's how I feel: that I can't really win, that I'm just trading one illness for another.
Then there is the issue of how the migraines themselves affect me. Doctors and nurses don't think I'm confused because I can follow simple directions: "Squeeze both hands, raise your arms up." They wouldn't think I was "with it" if they saw me on a good day and compared it to what they saw yesterday. I could hold their hands but I had no strength. Amy even said when she picked me up that she felt like she was losing me because I had no grip. Why can other people tell that something is wrong but doctors can't? Is it all in my head? Am I just a good actress looking for attention? No, I don't need attention. If I did, I'd use a better technique to get it: something like asking for it. That's nothing I haven't done before. Then how do I explain the fact that I was able to push hard and cook supper? Did I just have some good moments? Did I rise to the occasion because I needed to, because what needed to be done wasn't something my roommates could do for me? Or was I exaggerating all day? Could I have gotten up and around more if I had just chosen to?
But if the answer is that sometimes I am going to have those disabled days or moments, what does that mean for the rest of my life? Who would want to come home after work and take care of a wife like a child because she can hardly do very basic things? And let's just nix the child idea. How can I be a decent mom when I can't stand up long enough to brush my teeth? What kind of life am I going to have? I know these episodes pass, but I also know that they are totally unpredictable and I'm afraid.