This is not a positive entry, but it's the weekly update.
My brain is so awake and my body is so tired! I'm sick, and I kept C late tonight and I will be working again early in the morning so no church and no writing time. I don't really like that but it's my own fault for not setting boundaries in the first place. Originally the schedule was for me to work a later time, but J was offered an extra shift. I said I could only work one of the two and asked her to choose--I should have said I could only work the later one since I had already set up transportation to church. I just was very unprepared for a last-minute schedule change. It goes with jobs like the one J has, and that makes life very hard for the child care provider. That's probably why most people working these jobs aren't single moms.
In any case, I'm battling my own grumpiness this week because I'm sick and generally stressed. I could not get a good read on the interviewer on Monday at all. My heart tells me that I'm not one of his top choices, and that is really a disappointment to me because I tried so hard to go in with a positive attitude. I thought it would be great to be able to go walking in independently for a change, and Meg decided to goof off and not locate doors for me; so I looked very unprofessional walking up and down the building over and over until he opened the door and called to me. I was very embarrassed. He asked, "How does she know where to go?" I tried giving the simple answer: "I have to tell her," which is mostly true. A dog guide can be "patterned" to stop at a particular door when the person cues at the approximate location, which is what Dad and I had done on Sunday and Meg did it flawlessly and then bombed it on Monday. Leaving the interview, she crossed a street diagonally and I had no clue until I had gone the right number of blocks to be nearing my house and the area had buildings too near the road and no trees where there should have been some. I felt like an absolute fool, completely unprofessional, and I felt like even though it probably isn't true the interviewer may as well have seen it all and felt sorry for me and wondered why I bothered going out and pretending to be capable of working a real job. He asked if I had considered medical transcription. Of course--something I can sit at home and do and no one has to face me. I told him I didn't want to go back to school for another career, which is true. I couldn't afford it, and rehab wouldn't pay for it since I'm considered employable--I just am not trying hard enough according to the counselor. I wrote to the supervisor from the National Telecommuting Institute--you know, the company with the written policy stating that they won't consider anyone who uses a screen reader--and told him I wanted a written rejection that I could show to the counselor because it's humiliating to look for work for seven years and be accused of not trying hard enough. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of putting on the mask and acting like I have something to offer. If I have so much to offer, why doesn't anyone want it? Am I bitter? Maybe. I don't want to be. But I don't know how not to be. I cry every time I think about this because I've fought so hard not to be bitter. I hate talking to people who are so hard and cynical, and I'm becoming just like them. I don't want to be bitter, and I don't want to give up. I don't want to be beaten by disability. I don't want the negative statistics to be true. When someone suggests something, I've tried it years ago. When they say cheer up, I've been cheering up for ages. When they tell me they know how I feel because they've been unemployed, I've been unemployed at least five times that long. Is there an agency that can help? Yes. The agency sent me on my way a long time ago because none of their services will help me. The problem is that I don't need new skills or help finding leads or coaching on how to act in a job setting... I'm just like any other real person looking for a job. I just can't see. I do things a bit differently, and that's what the employers can't seem to figure out how to cope with. And I wonder when something will go right for me.
So I'm tired and sick and grouchy, and I have to be happy and perky at 9:30 a.m. That means I should probably get up by 7:00 so I can have some "me time" so I at least feel fresh emotionally. That means I get to sleep for maybe five or six hours. I hope I can at least breathe for part of the night. If anyone knows how to do a nose transplant... Some deep breathing would probably do wonders for my emotional state.