Disjointed ramblings on the negative church experience...
A girl picked me up. We went inside and she was stopping talking to people. They said hi to me and then talked about Meghan and then walked away. Meghan started going somewhere and I thought she was following the girl. She was going in where they have the dinners. Finally the girl came and said Meg had gone the wrong way. Well thanks for telling me where you were!
So we go in and find a table and some people are sitting there but they get up and leave with the girl and go sit at another table and don't ask if I'd like to sit with them. A few minutes later the girl comes and says, "Are you ok here?" I don't really know what to say because I am fine sitting there except I'm alone. Then she asks if I want something to drink, which I don't. Then she says she's just talking to everyone, and she goes off. There are about six tables all around the room and mine is empty. Even if I was brave and walked around, I have nothing in common with anyone. I can't even have them over for dinner because so far they all say they're allergic to cats. I've never met so many people with cat allergies in my life. Every single person! Is it real or is it a convenient excuse to have nothing to do with me? I wouldn't care if there were other ways to get to know them. But I can't go out to eat (no money) and I can't play sports.
So I got my slate out and was writing a journal trying to keep from zoning out. But how aloof does that make me look? It probably doesn't help me look like I'd like to talk. Someone did finally come sit at my table--and he petted Meg and asked "Is that how you take notes?"
Then of course there was the movie snippet which I got nothing out of, and there was obviously other visual stuff in the telecast outside the movie clip because people were laughing and nothing was funny.
God must want me to be alone. I can't manage to balance relationships with people and relationship with Him, so He takes away the people. But I'm still supposed to go to church. Supposedly I can be built up there and I can build up other people. Then why do I always feel torn down? Maybe I'm the problem. I'm just unapproachable and too clingy. Clingy is a mild word. "Addict," the voice in my head is saying. "You need fellowship like some people need drugs. Time for detox."