I'm trying to think about this rationally. I'm thinking about my geometry proof analogy. Nobody needs me to defend 2+2 = 4. But the proof shows why 2+2 = 4. There is a test and there is a test. God isn't testing me because He thinks I might fail and He wants to rub my nose in it. He's doing it because He knows I have the potential to succeed. I'm having a very hard time with what this means about the times I've failed--and I seem to have a lot of those times. Oh, and a lot of tests still going on. And I'm tired of tests. I don't want rewards just someday in eternity. I need something in this life, too. I need some encouragement. And God doesn't seem very generous with encouragement. I guess my whole problem right now is that I'm not even thinking about eternity. I'm thinking about now. But doesn't Godcare about what's happening now? Or is my perspective just very twisted?
That's where I am right now, and I know I'm irrational because I can't see anything God has trusted me with. I'll probably have a completely different perspective on this tomorrow. I'm working on it.