When people ask me what I want to do with my life, I usually say I don't know. There is a reason. If I told them what I wanted to do, they would try to talk me out of it. Even my parents do.
So what do I want to do? I want to sing. I've wanted it and felt like it was what God called me to do since I was 12. Nobody ever supported it. Oh, people encouraged my songwriting. My mom still does. But not my singing. Mom says I don't have "stage presence". She never suggested a way to get it. Surely that can't be a blindness issue. There are lots of blind people who sing professionally. I'd say it was my voice, but Kim Carnes didn't have a pretty voice. Amy Grant doesn't have an exceptional voice. She had money. It's always about money, and I'm just a lowly person on SSI and contract work.
But I can't run away from God. I won't. This is a faith issue. If He wants me to do it, then He will provide the resources. But what does having faith mean? I can't put my faith in the idea that He wants me to sing. That focuses on the end result and makes it possible for me to start driving the car. My faith belongs in the fact that He created me with a purpose and thatHe will accomplish that purpose if I will let Him, and it doesn't matter what resources I have or don't have. But how do I even know what's coming from Him and what's coming from me?
Reading about Kara has made me think a lot about restoration, healing, second chances, etc. I know that these things are all things God wants to give to me, and I want to tell my story, too. That's why I don't want someone else singing my songs. Those songs tell my own personal story. At some point maybe I'll write generic worship songs, but these are so very personal to me. Writing them is only part of the creative process.
I wondered if maybe part of the reason I have not had work is that God is trying to get my attention, make sure I'm not distracted by other things. That doesn't help me pay the bills, though, and I'm scared about that. But I shouldn't have to live like a pauper just so I can pay taxes and medical bills. If I wanted to live like that, I'd have stayed on SSI/Medicaid. So I guess I'm a bit angry with God.