Sarah Blake LaRose (3kitties) wrote,
Sarah Blake LaRose

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the right stuff report and thoughts on aloneness

aglarendis and I have a habit of acknowledging "things I did right." It's something I started a long time ago and have done sometimes with other people as well--I occasionally send kl1964 an email with the subject line, "accomplishments" or something related. Sometimes this helps me build momentum on a really good day. Sometimes it's very important on a bad day because my "right thing" or "accomplishment" is something as simple as getting out of bed and taking care of me and my animals.

Today is the hard kind of day. I thought it might be ok at first. I woke up at 6:00, did some email, and took a shower. From there it went downhill. I fed Meghan (the dog) and took her out, and while doing that I got hit with a huge wave of loneliness and despair. I had been planning to work on a proposal on disability ministry... But it seems that every time I start to do something that will move me into any area where God seems to have opened a door of ministry for me, I get hit with waves of emotion and shame over things I've done, even some that are years in my past. I know this is not how life as a person free in Christ works, and there has to be a way out of this emotional/spiritual mire! (I think I see where my day needs to be spent: right here on LJ. But I need to finish the right stuff report.)

I came back upstairs and had breakfast and took my morning meds, including my vitamins. I've discovered that I don't have seizures as long as I take my vitamins in addition to my Topamax. I had six this week, all on days when I missed my vitamins. Yes, I see a pattern.

One of the cats got sick, so I did a minor clean job on the litter box. It needs a major one, but I'm trying to put that off until next week, when I can buy more cat supplies. The box is full of usable litter, and I don't want to dump that out right now.

As I mentioned last night, there are a lot of things I didn't get done this week that I want to get done. I really wanted to start developing some kind of routine with my daytimes. Realistically, I don't know that this will happen until after my EEG testing, which is two weeks from Monday. But I could be spending those two weeks preparing for that time, figuring out what kind of routine I need and doing whatever needs to get done so that I can get into that routine. One of my hang-ups with routine is that my life has to be structured in many ways around things that aren't predictable: doctor's appointments, other people's schedules, appointments that aren't even here in town so mess up an entire morning or even a whole day or two when I'm gone to Detroit... Is routine the answer to being a good steward of my time? I've always been taught that it was. But my life just doesn't lend itself to routine. So what is the answer? Something to think on... I'm thinking about the verse that talks about not saying, "I will go here" but saying, "If the Lord wills, I will go here..." I need to look that up. I think it has some application for me. My real problem seems to be that I make commitments and don't follow through, and I think that routine is the only way to solve that. That's what culture teaches. I've grown up in a factory culture--that was actually a term used when I was in college. Structure is a good thing, but I am used to a world of almost complete structure: get up at this time, do these things in this order, go to work/school, do these tasks in this order, break/lunch at this time, get done at this time, do these things in the evening at this time, go to bed at this time, repeat on these days. Weekends are times of less structure, but even they have their own structure. So I don't really know how to cope with lack of structure, especially when I can't create it because as soon as I create it something out of my control interrupts it. That creates more stress for me than the lack of structure itself.

At various times in my life, I've talked about going to a retreat center to spend time alone with God, reading and praying and studying and letting Him heal areas of my life that needed healing. Of course, I never did it ... and I always ended up wondering why I thought about it so much. The retreat center wouldn't really change me. I am already alone much of the time. What do I really have to get away from? If I think about it, my environment isn't so bad... I have my cats here, and I need them very much as part of my healing process. I wish I could let them out on the balcony without fearing that they would run away. I don't have the money for screening the balcony in, and that's something that would make me very happy for a fair portion of the year. But again, Mom and Dad don't want to stay here beyond two or three more years. I wish I had the means to just buy the house from them... I would do it in a heartbeat.

I'm straying from my thought... I don't need to go on a retreat. I already have the retreat center right here. Maybe my next two weeks need to be a retreat of sorts. I don't have many things to get in the way. I have church on Sundays, choir one day a week, and my Friday night reading activity with kl1964, which I want to continue. I don't really think I could deal with completely cutting myself off from my friends. But why not carve out some time to do that reading/studying/praying...? Why am I sitting up here whining about being alone? Just a couple of months ago I was missing some of that alone time. Sometimes I get on my own nerves! It's the whole concept of forced aloneness getting to me again! What an annoyance!


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