Have I gotten to the point of trying to play God? Did You arrange this surgery, or did I push and push until You sighed and gave it to me? Is last week's visit with Dr. H. supposed to be some kind of check to make me think twice about something which isn't part of Your plan? Or is it a loop thrown into Your plan to discourage me? I am confused, Lord, and I need a clear word from You.
It's so easy to ask You to do something that will show me for sure: let the Medicaid not be approved if this isn't something You want for me. Let me be healed and have a clear cornea before the surgery. Something tangible. But the point isn't really to have You work so specifically. I know that the reason I want to ask these things of You is that I don't know how to trust You--or maybe I don't know if I can trust You. I think about the time when Granny died. Somehow I knew what You wanted me to do then. I hadn't directed You in how to speak to me. You just did. It didn't matter if I was following some formula of reading Your Word every single day. I was focused on You, and I wanted to hear from You. You used all kinds of ways to show me what I was supposed to do.
So as hard as it is, I want to avoid asking You for something specific. I need to learn to trust You again. I want to learn to trust You again. I want to stop avoiding writing in this journal. This is the one thing I know has changed since then, and it is the one thing I know at this moment that I must do. I must make time to write to You as I used to. I must stop allowing myself to get caught up in distractions. I cannot even ask You to help me with this. It is something I just must do.