I seem to be at an emotional impass now. Certainly understanding why I am the way I am is helpful and relieving. Now it seems that the task is to summon the courage to challenge status quo. It would be easy for me to move to a new town where I don't know anyone and present a new self and thus become successful. Since I cannot do that at this moment, the challenge is to succeed in my present environment, in spite of what I perceive to be disabling circumstances.
It's difficult for me to imagine myself developing an identity as an adult while living at home. Perhaps this is becauseI do not know any professionals who live with their parents. Living with my parents makes me feel like I am supposed to need support or play the role of the child. Here I am talking about the role I perceive that I am expected to play again.
My parents have never told me, "If you live in my house you play by my rules." But this is a well-known saying, and it is hard for me to conceive of being a fully functioning adult while I am bound to the rules of my parents. That sounds so silly! Why do I think that I must ask if I can go out? Is it because I am the child and I feel that I failed miserably at my attempt to be an adult, making a very unwise choice of a marriage partner and getting into all kinds of unhealthy relationships, and finally ending up living at home? Is it because part of my decision to move here was based on the perception that I need help from my parents financially or physically? This perception is partially true, and I hate it. I feel that it will always be true, that I will never be able to get rid of that dependency. It is that dependency which makes me feel like a child.
What creates the dependency? This seems to be the area which I should explore next. If I can figure out what is creating the true dependency, then perhaps I can change something which willalleviate it and, by changing the true dependency, change the perceived dependency.