I told Mom I was feeling stressed out and that I was also having some intrusive thoughts which I think are the result of meds. I changed some things about the way I was taking the meds, and this seems to have helped. But it just piles more stuff onto all the other noise. I just want to sleep until I run out of nightmares to have. I told Mom that I might be sleeping a lot for a few days and that I needed her to not assume this meant something bad. She's been trying to tell me I should get up and around more.
The depression and intrusive thoughts of suicide have been an ongoing problem since that first weekend after I came home. I've felt very restless, and I think this is why I have not written in this journal. It was my Atropine. One of the rare side effects is severe depression. Today I got the ok to stop using it unlessI started to have pain. I was told by one doctor that Atropine paralyzes the ciliary muscle, preventing spasms that can cause a lot of pain after surgery. Hopefully I will be ok. It's been almost four weeks now. In any case, perhaps I will get some much needed emotional relief and be able to focus normally on my projects, including this journal.