Therapy was really hard on me. We talked about the thing around my head in surgery prep, and one of the things that came out of that discussion is the idea that I don't allow myself to take advantage of emotional supports, especially certain ones, because I'm not confident that they will be available or that the time is right. For example, I didn't ask Mom to come over and sit with me while I was in all that pain. I could have, and she would have, but I just made jokes and tolerated it and asked for the knock-out meds. All the while I was stuck with absolutely no way to release the reality of the pain--you can't cry tears when you can't even move your eyes. So whether or not they had any idea, I perceived that nobody had a clue how much pain I was in... And I still perceive that, and I think that perception makes me hang onto the memory and relive it over and over, thinking eventually someone will figure it out. And I'm the one who's hurting over it... I can't stand to have shower water drip on my head because it fires off the pain sensation. I can't stand to wear headphones or brush my hair. Mom came in earlier and was playing with my hair, something she does when she's happy and I'm thinking we would be sharing a smile about something... Anyway, I couldn't stand it. It's like where last week I was totally comfortable with most kinds of touch, now I can't deal with it, and that upsets me. Going to bed is hard because I usually start out on my back, the same position I was in while I was being prepped. And yes, that's sort of why I'm fighting going to bed.
I had pretty much decided this was a psychological reaction and not actual physical pain. I didn't have pain while I was playing with Jenny's baby last night. I don't have pain when I wake up in the mornings. The pain went away while I was talking to my therapist. She's pretty sure it's some kind of pain memory, but she doesn't know what to do about it any more than I do. She mentioned doing a consult with a PTSD psychologist in Indy, and I am kind of hoping she does. My reactions to certain medical procedures are very upsetting to me, and the fact that I'm still having the reactions after the event is over is even more upsetting. My main concern is finding a way to know what is pain that I should be calling the doctor about. If I called him every time I had pain, I would be calling him every day. I am planning to bring this up at my appointment on Wednesday. Hopefully he will tell me my eye is fine, and maybe then I can stop obsessing about pain so much and just ride it out for a little while.
My parents don't really understand this, and I'm not sure they want to. Sometimes my dad can be so nurturing, and other times (like lately) he's just completely shut off emotionally from other people. He thinks this has to do with my meds, and if I can't handle being touched then I just should avoid people who touch me. I don't have to tell you how that makes me feel. Besides, touch is only part of it. It is just not normal to experience pain just because you stuck your head under the shower or laid it on a pillow!
I've decided not to do baby day tomorrow. I'm dying to go in, and part of me wonders if I could let the babies touch me and maybe that would help. But I'm just not quite ready yet. I've had a couple of sort of busy days, and my better judgment tells me I need the rest. There is no baby morning next week since Anderson is on spring break. So that gives me another week to gear up.
That's the nightly news around here. Now I'm going to do the last eye drop and the inhalers and brush Dori's teeth, and then I will stop fighting going to bed.