I rode the emotional roller-coaster all day. Here's kind of how it went.
I woke up mad. Mom was calling me to give answers to some paperwork, and my alarm was set to go off 15 minutes later. Of course, I am a crab when that happens. *grin*
I started thinking about faith while I was getting ready for the doctor trip. A few things occurred to me. (I'm planning to do something with these eventually.)
Without faith I can't please God.
Faith is the ONLY thing required to please God.
Faith is not something I can manufacture. It is a gift. God is the author and the finisher of my faith. (I don't know where that comes from, but I know it's there somewhere.)
Faith isn't just believing God will do something for me because I asked for it or even because I asked for it using the name of Jesus. God's Spirit lives in me, and as I become closer to Him His heart becomes mine. I want not what I want but what He wants, and those things will be the things I pray for. My prayers and my faith are inspired by the Holy Spirit living in me.
Faith is believing that God will do what He promises to do.
Faith is not about picking up snakes or anything else. During my days in the Assemblies of God, I heard a lot of references to the passage in Luke where Jesus tells what signs will accompany believers. A lot of people get caught up in the emotion of this and spend a lot of energy praying for healings, praying for the gift of speaking in tongues, etc. That's not faith. That is a spiritual inferiority complex. I know because I had one for a long time. *grin* These things are about God's provision and empowerment which enables people to do what He calls them to do. That is where my faith should be. There are specific passages which address this, and that's something I want to write about tomorrow.
End of little sermonette. For now anyway. *grin*
On the way home from the doctor, I heard a song that just tore me up. I don't know who sings it, but I'm going to find out and buy the CD. It's a father's prayer for his son who is apparently terminally ill. I had a frosty and was actually too choked up to eat it until later.
I got a cat nap in before therapy. That was good. But I got to therapy only to find out that I didn't have an appointment scheduled for my individual session. So I was just going to have to sit and wait for group to start. I had a hard time not crying about that. I think mostly I was just feeling like a pain today. Dad ended up totally missing work because of my appointments. He had planned to go in in the afternoon but wasn't able to, so I was already feeling guilt because I was the reason he missed work. And of course no one was going to come get me and bring me back to therapy 45 minutes later. So I felt more guilt because I was upset about having to sit with nothing to do and how selfish I was to not just tolerate it.
It ended up that she was able to see me for a short session anyway. She said, "What do you want to talk about today?" I said I didn't know and proceeded to fall apart. I talked about the mood roller coaster, the meds, the issues with family dinners, etc. I hit on a big one talking about being frustrated because I can't just get up and leave a social gathering like anybody else can. That ended up carrying over into group because we discussed boundaries and the idea of having trouble with boundaries because of abuse or lots of invasive medical treatment or things like being dependent on other people for transportation, information about the environment, etc.
In my individual session we also talked about my hearing thing. Mostly it's just that I can't sort out sounds in certain environments. Sometimes it takes time for me to figure out what somebody said, especially if you add in poor acoustics or if the person's voice is quiet or in a frequency that I can't hear well. There is a neurological condition common in preemies which can cause this, and the treatment involves using hearing aids. I mentioned it to the audiologist, and she brushed it off and said it's usually seen in children who have ADD. My dad and I both score very high on ADD screening, and I figure children with ADD usually grow up to be adults with ADD. I'm thinking seriously about getting a second opinion from a better audiologist, or at least one who can be more proactive in helping me find a solution to the problem.