Mostly what I need now is a stable friendship. I need to feel that someone really wants to be a friend to me AND for me to be one to them. I want someone to come in here looking for me because they just got some exciting news (or some bad news, if that's the case.)
That's why I like prison ministry so much. That is the one place where I can really give. I remember Dieter, the first one I talked to. He's been in there for a very long time, and I am sure he is very lonely. For the last five minutes of our time, we get in a circle and pray together. We got in our circle and held hands, and he squeezed mine. When we were done, he asked, "Are you coming back next week?"
"Yes," I said.
"I'm counting on it," he said.
Once Ron informed us in a sermon that we can live several days without food, about four days without water, about nine minutes without air, and only one second without hope. I have said so often when I felt that I couldn't go on, "Lord, there must be some sliver of hope inside me somewhere because I'm still here." Maybe--just maybe--I was giving Dieter that sliver of hope. Maybe I gave him something to look forward to in the lonely life he lives. If I can do that for one person, then my life is worth living. There is then a sliver of hope for me, something that I can look forward to in the lonely life that I lead. That is the way it is, and it is very simple. I do receive when I give. I receive a sense of fulfillment that I can never gain from anything that anyone can give me.
I am questioning so many things right now. I feel farther from God than I have ever felt before, and no one seems to care. Well, I need someone to care, and I have said that as plainly as I know how on this campus. It is not working. Don't people know that I need something from Christians, the same thing they ARE ASKING OF ME? Or does Tana have appointments at midnight? I need her now.