Tonight I called Elaine. I never knew and still today do not know how sick she is. She wasn't there, and Bob sounded kind of funny. After I hung up, I wondered: If she died, would he have the heart to tell me. I think he knows that she never told me how sick she was. She did not want to worry me. Would I ever find out?
I dreamed about Elaine the night before I left. I knew that I was not going to see her before I came back here, and I did not know if she would be alive until May. I dreamed that I went to a restaurant with her. After we ate, she took me in an office and kept pointing to a lot of file cabinets. "I want you to finish what I have begun," she told me. But I woke up before I could find out what it was that she had begun. Now I wonder. What is it that she would like to see me accomplish? What could I do that would give her peace? Was that the only chance I would ever have to find out how she would want me to go on?
I wanted so much to see her when I was home! I wanted to tell her that she was my mentor. She was one of the people who really believed in me. But now I am afraid and angry to think that I may never have a chance to tell her any of that. Why hadn't I done it sooner?