December 11th, 1990


thoughts on finding a roommate

I have to find a roommate. I tried, and I found a girl on second floor who said I could move in with her. Then later she came down and said that she runs cross-country and that she knows I like to be "escorted places." "I can't do that," she said. Well, I am glad that she came and talked to me, but that kind of upset me.

For one thing, it is not my roommate's responsibility to "escort" me anywhere. Sometimes I have ended up doing things with my roommate because she is the one who is available, but I never expected her to do anything for me just because she is my roommate. And I don't like to be "escorted" places. If I had it my way, I would be able to go to the library all by myself, but that's not the way it is. I can get to most of the places I need to go myself. I have been going to one of my classes with a group of girls because they asked if I wanted to walk with them. Does that mean I like to be "escorted"? I want someone to want to get to know me and sometimes to need me like they need anyone else. Same old stuff.

I called my mom, and she said I shouldn't have to find a roommate on my own if people have been talking about me. I don't know if they have or not, but I feel like everyone thinks I am a bad person because my roommate's feelings have gotten hurt so much. I am sorry that in the beginning I did not talk to her about my feelings, but I can't change that now. I thought, up until now, that I had made the right decision about moving. But I feel like everyone thinks I am dependent on her. Everyone emphasizes all the things she's done for me. I feel totally alone, and I hate that. What about all the times I have let my needs or wants go unmet because I felt like an inconvenience? Is it possible for me to be and feel a part of anything? Does anyone want or need what I have to give? And what do I have to give?

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