May 7th, 1995


notes on intimacy with God

The bottom line of what I am reading in Francis MacNutt's book is whether or not I am going to trust God. He says that He loves me, but most of the time I figure that He won't show me. If I think He will show me, I think it will be by simply telling me something to make me feel better, not by taking care of the problem. It is easier for me to believe that my human friends care than for me to believe that God cares. After all, if He doesn't fix my problem, how can I believe that He cares? And if He doesn't care, then surely He won't fix my problem.

But maybe my unbelief and unwillingness to trust Him prevent me from receiving His answer. Maybe they keep me from being open enough for Him to show me that He loves me. Maybe if I stopped denying Him for a moment He could come in and touch me.

This morning I went to a new church. The pastor talked about choosing life and the benefits of intimacy withGod. Lord, I want to be intimate with You. It seems hard to get there. I don't think I've ever been at the point yet where I want more of You every time I spend time with You. There are so many barriers in the way! I want them to come down.

You do not ask me to bear the burden of my own healing or of becoming intimate with You. All You ask is that I be honest with You and seek after You. You don't mind that sometimes it is hard for me to trust, if I am honest with You about my difficulty. You can help me with that. You don't mind that sometimes it is hard for me to understand You if I am honest and ask You for understanding. I feel the need for faith and understanding more than anything else. I don't know what it means to love You. I want You to show me.

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