March 26th, 2001

3kitties sites and how I'm doing

From an email to a friend...

I've spent most of the time I've been awake today looking at (and being thoroughly confused by) my contract with About. I don't speak legal-ese, and they do it very well. All this talk about pay cuts has me thinking about little things About does that seem unethical to me. Most people I talk to say something like, "That's business." Well, you know me well enough to know that's not good enough. Maybe I'm idealistic in wanting to work honestly and in thinking I can get paid while doing it. But I do. And I'm sitting here asking myself how much lack of ethics I'm really willing to tolerate. The general public thinks About is a reputable company, and in lots of respects they are--at least they're as reputable as those of us doing the sites make them. But there are a few things on the inside that bother me, and the more I learn the less willing to shove them under the rug I become.

Anyway, I'm not feeling too organized this afternoon, but I'm giving it a try and hopefully will have something to show for it by the end of the day. I have group at 6:00, and that will be a break. Dad suggested we have Wendy's for supper after I get out, and that's a good thing. There's no baby day tomorrow, so I don't have to wrestle with myself about whether it's a good idea to go or not. I'm going back on Wednesday, and I think I'll be up to Tuesday mornings by next week. I'm kind of wishing tomorrow was a normal day--I'm feeling the need for some good baby time.

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mood trouble and meds

I survived group and the grocery store. I think that's an accomplishment. I also learned something interesting. I was sort of complaining about my recent habit of eating everything in sight. My therapist said that she once read somewhere that it takes a lot of extra calories to heal after surgery. I thought that was sort of interesting. So I'm going to sort of get off my own case about eating and instead of eating less just try to eat different things. I don't suppose I can OD on apples and bananas and the like.

I finally got it in my mind that it would be a good idea to look up info on my meds. So I had Dad read me the names on the bottles. I knew the culprit as soon as he read it. It's a megasteroid used for lung problems in preemies. I'm looking at various sources, and I see some things worth noting: muscle weakness (a problem that persisted almost all weekend), increased hunger/thirst, mood swings, nervousness, etc. Oh, and I've been complaining about zits. Here, there, everywhere! I had planned to ask Mom what on earth could be making me get so many zits--I usually don't get many at all. Well, take a wild guess! I would never have thought...

I'm feeling sort of ok right now. Sort of is the operative phrase. Knowing all this doesn't make it "easier" to deal with it, but it does give me something to tell myself instead of beating myself up. There are ways to reduce the effects to a minimum. I'll just have to remember that I can't drop drops in my eyes and go on right away. You're supposed to block your tear ducts for a minute after each drop so it doesn't drain into your system. I forget a lot of times. Guess I will remember now. I don't know how long I'll be on this stuff. It's hard to give yourself permission to feel... It's harder to give yourself permission to feel things that you know aren't typical of your feelings. I've been resisting the urge to bite everybody's head off for things nobody did. I actually had the paranoid thing going on a lot over the weekend, and if there is one thing I'm not it's paranoid. That's most of why I didn't go to church yesterday. I knew I couldn't handle it. I would have felt like people didn't want to talk to me, even though the truth would have been that it's just a normal day at church. So it was just easier to avoid another breeding ground for that stuff.

I don't go very easy on myself when it comes to the mood swings, paranoia, etc. I'm sure it's because I know how it feels to be on the other end, and I think this stuff is also touching off some other issues for me. This kind of mess damaged a very good friendship for me in 1999, and I know now that a lot of it was meds and things I just couldn't control. That doesn't go over well with all the changes going on lately, and on top of the meds stuff there's other real stuff going on that is wearing on me. I'm trying to hang in and let it do its thing, but it's scary!

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