Despite its very bad points, 1992 was a year with just as many good points. Most were things I didn't realize as much then as I would later. Not that I didn't know then what I know now. To some extent that was true, but mostly I just know better now. That's what "growing up" is all about, isn't it?
My motto in 1992 was, "Just do what God says because He said so and He knows best." It didn't always make sense to me, but it was never wrong and as long as I kept focusing on Him I always knew what He wanted me to do and what doors He was opening--and I never went any other way. I wasn't too happy with my circumstances, but for the most part I was very happy with me. I think that if I had continued down that road I would never have made certain mistakes or discovered certain stigmatizing things about myself. But I didn't continue down that road. Instead I took some crazy winding road with lots of narrow places and plenty of dips.
Fortunately, God is good at making all things work together for good for those who are called according to His purpose--and I believe that all of us are and that when we let Him accomplish His purpose in our lives and use us to accomplish His greater purpose we get to see that good. As much as it hurts me to remember some of the things I have done since 1992, it also shows me how forgiving He is; and now as I learn not to worry about anything He shows me how much He is here for me and with me.
The other day I was praying about my job situation. I want so much to work and to have the resources to do what He wants me to do. I don't want to be impulsive with my money, but I really want to be able to not worry about anything. I think in a way I've pushed this deadline with the writing assignment as much as I could because I was afraid to be finished with it. What would I do next? If I'm going to be a writer, one of the things I have to deal with is the fact that the next job won't always be waiting on my doorstep and that sometimes things will be tight. But I can no longer say, "Someday I want to be a writer," because I am writing and I am finally being paid for my writing.
Then a call came about some child care work next week--something else I love to do but could never do if I was working a "tradditional job". But more than that, I know that this was God showing me that He's right here and will not leave me hurting for anything. My end of the deal is to listen and do what He says,and as long as I keep my end He's going to keep His. In fact, He's always going to keep His end. I just may miss out on the advantages of the deal if I'm busy going my own way.
It feels good to be back on the road I like. Now I'm going to go finish up some more of those articles.