April 17th, 2002


more on housekeeping

It's impossible to respect myself by subjecting myself to something that requires my mother's approval. If I don't get the approval, then I don't measure up, and if I don't measure up then I can't respect myself. So the cleaning dilemma creates a spiral effect. On the other hand, if I am focused on something else (e.g. someone coming over for a specific purpose or just to be with me), I can clean because it's important to me to make the house a comfortable place for that person. To add some more wood to the fire, I can clean my mom's house with no problem. I know that she's going to evaluate me. But it's her house and she has the right to evaluate me. If she evaluates me in my house without my permission... I'm not able to complete that thought right now. I've stumbled on the key. If I define my cleaning goal and her evaluation is provided using that goal, then I can accept it as help. If I don't know what the goal is, then her evaluation is a reflection of a standard I can't see myself achieving. Hmmmm...

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