I felt very good when I listened to Wayne Watson sing "When God's People Pray" at the concert Saturday night. I claimed that song with everything in me. Yesterday morning we sang about bringing the sacrifice of praise, and I tried desperately to bring that sacrifice to You.
Yet Gethsemane continues for me. That sacrifice is harder to bring than I ever dreamed it could be. I hate that my grandmother was anointed yesterday and I was not able to be there. I hate that I might not have much time with her. I hate that I was the last to know. I hate that I receive so few calls and letters from home. I hate that I can't feel any support here. Praise is a definite sacrifice for me here in this Gethsemane.
Lord, please give me the strength to go on. I only have two more weeks here. That's not a long time, but it seems like an eternity. Without hope and faith in You, life is worthless. I will not let go until You strengthen and bless me.
Now I don't feel anything. I suppose that in a way, numbness is more bearable than pain, but in a way it is just as painful. It is living with no vision, feeling that my life has no meaning or purpose. That hardly seems better than wrestling with the angel.
But the wrestling is done, and now I am just waiting. Waiting is hard because that's all it is. There's nowhere else to go. Will it be over quickly?
There is another thing I must deal with. I just came back from songwriting. Randy, one of our guests, read us the rules he lives by. One was to have no other gods before You. I always thought that meant physical idols, but now I see that it means much more. I have my own gods. The one I am dealing with now is that I want to finish "In Gethsemane". When I started writing it, I was writing because I understood a truth and wanted to share it with others. Then I remembered that I wanted to finish the song before the end of the semester.
I have not written many songs in the last few years, but I don't remember feeling so frustrated. I want to return to the purpose that was so strong when I was younger. I am too caught up in the competition here.
I know that You hear me and answer me. I have seen that in the last four weeks. So knowing that, I ask You to take me back to that place. Place Your desire in my heart so that I will glorify You. That is what I want. Then I will be open to share Your truth with others. I feel that You have called me to serve You through music, and I will not run from that call just because my motives became wrong after I answered You.