Sarah Blake LaRose (3kitties) wrote,
Sarah Blake LaRose

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grief and questions

When Vicki died, I had a weird impulse to pray for her. This was strange to me because I am not from a liturgical background--have never even set foot in a liturgical church--and I have almost no experience dealing with this kind of thing. The only experience that is clear and vivid to me is my grandmother's. I have not had any of the questions I have had about Vicki.

There are lots of disclaimers to go with this one. The biggest question is this: Is Vicki with the Lord, absolutely for sure?

I am not God. I know He takes those whom He will to be with Him, and I know the answer to my question is not for me to know unless He tells me. But it matters to me in a way that nothing ever mattered. It makes me question what I believe about God and if that is right or wrong. I know my faith should not depend on this, but this makes me need to know what I believe.

I might not want to know if someone I loved was not with the Lord, either. But not knowing is torture to me. One of the classes I took notes for read "The Tragedy of Dr. Faustus" by Christopher Marlowe. The idea is that this theology professor sells his soul to the devil. He walks around with this demon for 24 years while he's still living. In response to the professor's question about why the demon is not in hell, the demon explains that he has seen what heaven is like, and anything that isn't heaven is hell. In a sense, that is the reaction I get to not knowing.

I have always believed that God saves us by grace and not because of our works. I suppose the flip side would be that He does not zap us for works either. All I know is the police ruled an intentional suicide. I have heard so much about that being a sin that I am not really getting a peace about it. Would God send Vicki away for something like that? That is what scares me.


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