I made a comment in my previous entry that I think I need to clear up. Someone sent me an email about it, and I realized that the comment probably makes perfect sense to a person who has traveled the road of testing for epilepsy vs. nonepileptic events but may not make much sense otherwise. I said.
With these results in my hands, everything in me is just screaming, "Fake!" Part of me wants to just bury it all and pretend I'm fine because that's what Dr. R. said I am: fine.
I have lived my life trying to please everyone else: trying to be healthy for everyone else's benefit when I was anything but, trying to get any degree that anyone else thought I would be good at, trying to get a job because other people think I should have one... I realize that outwardly this may be a perfect sign that I'm having seizures as a function to get away from what everyone else wants me to do. That's the very kind of thinking that I'm afraid of having a doctor or therapist throw at me. It's not helpful, and in fact it's downright damaging psychologically. I don't need to have physical symptoms in order to prove that I'm not what people want me to be. The physical symptoms are already here. They've been here for most of my life. I've spent my life trying to get rid of them (including the seizures) or ignore them so that I could be what other people wanted me to be, what society expected me to be: just a blind person. (Obviously blindness was the one thing I couldn't get rid of; but all the other stuff was easily medicated, ignored, etc.)
I am perfectly willing to medicate, diet, rest, work part-time, work this job instead of that one, whatever is beneficial for ME. I'm not willing to ignore my own needs anymore. THAT is why I want the answer. That is the reason I care about any of this. I'm TIRED of treating these things as a psychological problem, tired of using cognitive behavior therapy techniques when they come along and failing miserably because these particular episodes are not panic attacks. I'm tired of looking for an upsetting event or thought and finding none--because there is none. It makes me feel crazy, and that is more stressful than just living with the events and treating them effectively, which I know can be done with proper medication.
I hadn't meant to go on about this. I am seeing the therapist this afternoon, and I think I needed to get the rant out of my system so I can talk about this with her. At our last session, we talked about the idea of acceptance... My "problem" is that I don't know what I am supposed to "accept." Am I accepting one disability or two or a few...? What, exactly, does acceptance mean? If it means not trying to change the situation, I can't do that. I don't think that's her definition... I've been her client long enough to know that she wouldn't promote the idea of me giving up. Besides, I have a few books and a CD I'm working on anyway. That's the weird thing about all of this. Why am I getting stuck when I have things to do? Well, because I'm having episodes in the middle of playing a song and pieces of the song come out completely jumbled! Figure that one. Playing my songs is one of the most relaxing things I know to do! It's one of the first techniques I used to tone down the Xanax usage.