You don't do anything for me because of anything I do to try to make myself right with You. It is You who brings me into a right standing, You who justifies me. I know this is important, but I don't know how to put what I am thinking into words. I am distracted and anxious. I have the appointment with Dr. M. tomorrow and hope to get a referral to see Dr. T. What if he doesn't give it to me? I know I've been trying to manipulate the circumstances, as usual. I can't make anyone do anything. Somehow I have to believe in and trust You in this circumstance.
Was there ever a time when I trusted You? It's hard to remember. It feels like I will never learn or achieve this. Will my lifetime be spent in vain trying to learn to trust You?
Yesterday I was watching a movie about premature infants and was struck by our (human) desire to know everything now. My first reaction was a desire to tell people that we can't know all the answers now. Ironically, this is exactly what I have been doing: demanding to know now what will happen regarding Dr. T. and when You will heal me. I just need to trust and believe what You have promised. You have said, in effect, "Have no anxiety about anything."
But what if You don't heal me? What if I heard wrong? Maybe the point is somehow to learn to trust that You know what I needand to believe that what You provide is the best. But oh, how I want to see! Why am I afflicted with this burning desire? Is it a desire to avoid bad things happening, or is it a desire to receive something You want to give? I'm just so tired of wondering and questioning. How do I let Your desires become my desires? And if this is not Your will for me, then how do I read Your Word without feeling like You have denied me something I asked for?