Sarah Blake LaRose (3kitties) wrote,
Sarah Blake LaRose

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day off to a rough start

Some stuff is going ok today and some is really not. I've managed to get myself up and act like I'm alive, and I've got a pot of beans and ham on that smells wonderful. Dori and I had some morning playtime; Elli thinks she participated because she barked at us; and Inca is asleep in her place on my bed. That's the good part.

My breathing measuring thing is sitting on 275 this morning. No wonder I feel so tired!

Dori's medicine isn't working. We're back to the same old stuff (fortunately without the laundry this time). Mom said things last night that I didn't want to hear. I could handle the part about this being a big problem and interfering with her working life. But I don't want to retire her if I can find a way not to, and I said so. Then Mom said, "She'd be a good dog for someone to love." I am not doing too well with that, and it's sort of consuming my mind. Stuff tends to do that anyway, but it's hard to put it aside when I have to open up the back door every hour or two. I called the vet and asked how long the medicine takes to kick in. I was hoping he'd say it takes a while and to give her the second week. That's not what he said, and I don't know where we go from here. I'm waiting for him to call me back and tell me what other options I have.

I remember going through something like this with Elli when I first got her. It was stress-related and went on for a month. But this has now been going on with Dori for six months, and that's a long time and I don't think any more that it's stress. If Dori was a bad worker or something this would be easier. But she's a wonderful guide and so perfect for the nursery setting, and I've bonded with her in ways I never managed to bond with Elli (not because Elli was a difficult dog to bond with but because I was young and sort of took her for granted a lot of the time). I've kept all my thoughts about the dreaded r word to myself until now. Mom saying what she said just sort of opened the floodgates. I've been so excited about the move and having sidewalks to walk on, and I wanted to try to get brave and get out and do some things. I know I wouldn't do it with a cane, and it's going to take me a long time to get over my fear of getting out and about by myself. But I want to, and that's why I got Dori.

When I brought Dori home, I looked up her name in a baby name book, just out of curiosity. Her name means "a gift," and that made a huge impression on me. Since then I've always thought of Dori as a gift God gave me at the right time. Who else but God could have worked out these good matches for me? Elli was perfect for her time, too, and I was a different person then and needed a dog with energy like Elli had to be able to keep up the college lifestyle. Now I need a dog like Dori, who's not too distractable and not too anxious to get out there before I'm ready to go with her. I'm just scared of what's going on.


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