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day off to a rough start

Some stuff is going ok today and some is really not. I've managed to get myself up and act like I'm alive, and I've got a pot of beans and ham on that smells wonderful. Dori and I had some morning playtime; Elli thinks she participated because she barked at us; and Inca is asleep in her place on my bed. That's the good part.

My breathing measuring thing is sitting on 275 this morning. No wonder I feel so tired!

Dori's medicine isn't working. We're back to the same old stuff (fortunately without the laundry this time). Mom said things last night that I didn't want to hear. I could handle the part about this being a big problem and interfering with her working life. But I don't want to retire her if I can find a way not to, and I said so. Then Mom said, "She'd be a good dog for someone to love." I am not doing too well with that, and it's sort of consuming my mind. Stuff tends to do that anyway, but it's hard to put it aside when I have to open up the back door every hour or two. I called the vet and asked how long the medicine takes to kick in. I was hoping he'd say it takes a while and to give her the second week. That's not what he said, and I don't know where we go from here. I'm waiting for him to call me back and tell me what other options I have.

I remember going through something like this with Elli when I first got her. It was stress-related and went on for a month. But this has now been going on with Dori for six months, and that's a long time and I don't think any more that it's stress. If Dori was a bad worker or something this would be easier. But she's a wonderful guide and so perfect for the nursery setting, and I've bonded with her in ways I never managed to bond with Elli (not because Elli was a difficult dog to bond with but because I was young and sort of took her for granted a lot of the time). I've kept all my thoughts about the dreaded r word to myself until now. Mom saying what she said just sort of opened the floodgates. I've been so excited about the move and having sidewalks to walk on, and I wanted to try to get brave and get out and do some things. I know I wouldn't do it with a cane, and it's going to take me a long time to get over my fear of getting out and about by myself. But I want to, and that's why I got Dori.

When I brought Dori home, I looked up her name in a baby name book, just out of curiosity. Her name means "a gift," and that made a huge impression on me. Since then I've always thought of Dori as a gift God gave me at the right time. Who else but God could have worked out these good matches for me? Elli was perfect for her time, too, and I was a different person then and needed a dog with energy like Elli had to be able to keep up the college lifestyle. Now I need a dog like Dori, who's not too distractable and not too anxious to get out there before I'm ready to go with her. I'm just scared of what's going on.


Sarah Blake LaRose
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June 2018