By the time we left for Indy, the fever was kicking in and I couldn't fight off the sick kind of unrestful sleep. I actually fell asleep with gum in my mouth, and during my sleep I was vaguely aware of worrying that I might choke on it.
When I woke up, we were just sitting on the highway, and this is the part that's scary. We were two cars away from a very bad accident which had apparently happened earlier in the morning. It was only a two-car accident, but one of the cars was not upright and we were sitting there while they cut open the door and got the person out. Mom was really upset, but she couldn't stop looking and of course it brought up a lot of issues for both of us. My cousin was killed in a similar accident in this general area in 1994, and that was really hard on everyone, especially because she was young. Mom started talking about how she can't watch the news anymore because she visualizes things afterwards. I thought I was the only one who did that. She couldn't tell what kind of car it was at first, and of course I worried that it could be my dad's because he works around there. Fortunately for me it wasn't--she didn't see them bring the person out but she did see a purse. Still, it didn't stop me from being upset. Whoever it was had a family, and Mom and I are sure she didn't make it. Getting out of the car at the doctor's office, I was struck by how pretty it is today, and it made me want to stomp my feet and yell. It's not supposed to be pretty outside when somebody dies. Ok, that's a little bit of a childlike observation, but I don't care. I was sort of already in that state of mind this morning, partially because I'm sick but also because lately I've been seeing things the way they looked when I was little.
Added to all this, I was so impressed that it could have been our car, and that scares me. I don't like dealing with the reality of how many ways and times I have to trust my life into other people's hands. Not just Mom's, but strangers, other people driving cars that can lose control or take their eyes from the road. I didn't need this before doing the plane thing. Oh, well. Guess I have something to talk about in therapy this week.
Now, on to bigger and better things. Imagine you're sitting in the doctor's office, and he says, "Crystal clear. Like a piece of glass! I like that!" Then imagine he tells you you can discontinue one of your drops and decrease your steroid from four to two times a day. Then he asks you how your vision is different, and you tell him, and he says, "I believe you!" And you remember the other doctor who thought you wouldn't get any benefit out of
this transplant. You've just experienced my exam. Oh, and I don't have to go back until September!
I have an appointment with the GP in half an hour. I'm going to talk to him about the weight thing and see what he thinks. I'm thinking the answer is if I'm going to try getting off any meds I'll do it one at a time and keep an open mind and get back on them if I start having trouble. I'm also going to revisit the email and the journal from last fall and see what was going on. It could give me a clue. Of course, I'm also going to see what other options he has. Mom did bring it up this morning, and in that case I'm glad I was awake and thinking last night. I did do some research, and I learned a lot that might help. One of the things I said to Mom this morning was that if I use dietary changes to control migraine, it's like diabetes and I can't give in just because people think I'm weird or picky. That much I do know, and I need my family to come to terms with that because it means Mom will have to alter her cooking significantly if I am eating with them.
Ok, enough rambling. I'm off to the doctor.