What do I think of when I think of God?
Faithful, father, consistent, Creator, healer, counselor...
For a long time I've struggled with what I think of God. I said all the right words, and parts of me believed them. But there were a lot of times when I didn't, especially when I was dealing with loneliness stuff. I thought that God must not care or want me to have local friends--or, maybe most importantly, a family. I was afraid He wanted to be the answer to my every need and that in order to make Himself the answer He would take away the friends I had. Of course, I just got farther and farther away.
I'm learning differently now. I'm learning that God is so many things... He's a comforter, and He cares about my loneliness enough to arrange for what I need, like making me meet up with someone on the elevator when I was afraid of being a pest. I'm learning that He's there in the night. Somehow in the past few weeks, I have stopped crying myself to sleep. I actually feel arms around me. In a way it doesn't feel like arms at all but lets me know that it's ok to go to sleep alone--and I think He's even made my animals sensitive to my need to not be alone while I sleep; they're always both right there, not just on the bed but right up against me.
And I'm learning that He is a relational being and that I am created in His image. I never understood that until now. It means that I am like Him. I am made to love and to be loved, by God and by other people. And if He made me that way, then He will surely supply my need. A few months ago, I had the idea that He doesn't give me desires only to let them go unmet. I don't remember whether it was my grandmother or Vicki who first said this... Doesn't matter. he reminds me to pray for the need He wants to supply. So instead of being angry because it's not supplied yet, I will learn to persevere in prayer and to depend on His promise.