Last night was just a hard night for me. Dori has been exceptionally good for me this week--part of that may also be that I've tried to be more patient with her and made a very concentrated effort to tone down the stress level around here. We're also approaching a week with no accidents, a big deal for miss Dori. Anyway, all this got me thinking maybe all these problems really are my fault for not being consistent enough, etc. Rationally, I know that's partially true. Some things I couldn't control got me and Dori off to a rough start, and if I had known then what I know now I probably could have responded better and given Dori what she needed to get through that period. But I can't change her fear of traffic or her walking through streets and parking lots at a snail's pace. She's just always been like that.
I broke down and took her out to park at 1:00 AM. The rule has been that if she doesn't park when I take her before bed she goes on the tie down. Anyway, I just couldn't stand the tie down last night, so I took her out and was pleasantly surprised. I let her sleep on the bed. (I know the rules about the bed, but sometimes I just don't care.) I just wanted to hug her and have her sleep close to me. I needed to cry (and I thought I was never going to stop), and I needed her there. I wanted this to work so much! This isn't her fault. She isn't supposed to be someone else's pet. She's supposed to be my Dori. I was planning to get myself together, and Dori was going to be in grad school with me and keep being there in the corner in the church nursery when I went to work. Oh, God, I'm crying again! I cried about retiring Elli. But Elli was ten years old. Dori isn't even four. I just wish this was a bad dream.