Is working with kids really the right kind of job for me? Is it too overwhelming? Not when I know the room and the kids and I'm able to control what's going on or predict the routine. Maybe if I was in the same room with the same kids every day... Is the day care--or even the church since all the changes have happened--really the right kind of environment for me? Maybe it isn't me. Maybe it's the environment--too few people trying to do too many things with too many kids at the day care, and too many people running here and there and doing too many things at once at the church.
I know some teachers at the day care that I'd enjoy working with, but I'm not sure they would enjoy working with me. A couple of them (ironically both named Angie) talk to me, but most of the others just sort of blow me off. I had the same kind of experience at SFA. I think a lot of it has to do with personality type. I'm not the typical preppy teacher type of girl. I don't go in for glitzy crafty stuff most of the time. I'd be very bad at doing bulletin boards and visual crafts--a lot of what goes into working with little kids even though it has very little to do with the kids. But if I can't work with so many of these people, does that mean that I'm not a team player? Or does it mean I have to be "the boss"? Or does it mean that something is missing in order for me to play on the team?
And what can I do that's working with kids if I'm not in a big loud classroom environment? Do I have to give that up? I think this is why retiring Dori was so hard for me. Dori was like me. She had the skills but couldn't handle the stress. Hmmmm... Did I make some connections there that really aren't appropriate? It just all hit too close to home. I'm running out of energy, but I want to keep trying. So I keep putting forth the effort, but each time I lose more energy, go into meltdown sooner, feel less like I was where I was supposed to be when I get home. Maybe working with kids was a season thing and now the season is changing? But I miss the kids so much!
Everything is so visual. Am I going to be able to relate to my own kids? Will they have more fun with someone else who can respond to all the pointing with real, fun answers? I mean, who would you choose: the person who has no idea what the face is that just popped up out of that toy, or the person who gets all excited and exclaims, "Mickey Mouse!" I don't want someone else being the person my babies prefer...
I know that blind people teach, and I know they are parents. I just can't see myself as one of them.