Wow! I thought this was going to be impossible! The vacuuming is all done! I feel a hundred pounds lighter!
I had made plans to have dinner with J and C this evening. I made beans and ham (and had pizza for C since she absolutely cannot stand beans). J made sweet cornbread, and it was delicious! I did most of the dishes while she was making the cornbread. Maybe half my problem has just been the overwhelming feelings associated with cleaning when I'm in the house by myself. Most of the time it didn't bother me during that good period; but I've discovered one important thing about that period. C was here on a frequent if not predictable basis. I think that settles the issue. I need human contact in my home, even if it's a child. During the last eight weeks or so, I haven't had her here much. A couple of times this was because I was sick, but much of the time it was because either she was sick or J's schedule just was not conducive to needing a sitter or she was at her dad's. During this time, I've continued going out to my study groups, have gone to church a few times, have gone to a couple of my small group meetings when my health permitted, have gone to my sister's house, went to lunch with Mom's elderly friend... But these things are not countering the depression very well... They all involve me reaching out and hoping that someone will reach back. They don't work because they're done on spec. I need to be able to do those things and just enjoy them, not rely on them to meet the need for companionship--and I can't just throw off the need for companionship as if it's something bad.
My therapist and I talked the other day about the concept of me having a child. She said that her only concern is my health and whether it would hinder my ability to care for the child. I understand the concern in a way. She asked an interesting question, though--and it's especially interesting in light of what's happened today. She asked if having someone else to care for might help me to rise above the health stuff. I wanted to say yes, but I felt like that just sounded stupid and like I just wanted her to believe me for the sake of believing me, that I really wasn't taking this seriously. But I just walked through my house and realized that I've done by myself what I thought I needed so much help with. There are still some things left to do, but the dishes will be done when I go to bed and the rest will be done as soon as I can buy some supplies for things like scrubbing the shower and mopping the kitchen floor. My headache is completely gone--you know, that headache that Motrin hasn't been touching for three days. I did take more Motrin earlier; but I was doing all this cleaning while feeling like I was going to puke from the pain. And I have eaten three meals today... I haven't eaten three meals in one day in weeks!