I have spent most of the past two days laid up in bed, trying to sleep off the effects of an allergic reaction to Sulfasalazine. Sleep isn't very easy when I'm so congested that the air from my CPAP machine makes me feel as if I am suffocating. I generally ended up taking the mask off, trying to sleep without it, and getting up when I realized that I wasn't breathing. (I do use CPAP for a reason.)
At some point, I started to wonder if maybe I really did just catch a bad cold at just the wrong time. I really am not coping well with the implications of having a reaction to this medication. Reading up on Methotrexate, I learn that it can cause a lessening of resistance to upper respiratory infections. Resulting pneumonia can be fatal. I already have frequent upper respiratory infections that often are severe enough to cause me to fear dying. I'm not really sure I want to play with this. Is being pain-free worth this? It can cause mouth ulcers. That just seems like exchanging one pain for another...
I wrote in a friends-locked entry the other day that while I am not suicidal, I understand why people in this position become so. There really is no solution, no cure. Often the treatment for symptoms just causes more symptoms; and in the end you're sicker than when you started out. It feels hopeless, and the only alternative is to live with the pain, to live a life that is compromised in quality from what you know you could have if only the solution existed. I've had two good months on Prednisone--gotten my life back--and I know that I have to get off. I cannot really live this life. It is an ideal, something I can live only on good days; and I don't know how many good days I will have. There is so much I want to do, and it's not even frivolous! I thought that one of these meds would do for my pain what Topamax did for my brain. Apparently it doesn't work that way. There are some things I won't be getting back without Divine intervention.
I have books to scan for the fall semester. One is a huge Bible dictionary. The shipping weight is four pounds! I hope I can manage to scan the thing! I really do need to get a head start if I'm going to stay ahead this semester.
Today I am feeling somewhat better. I still feel like I have a very bad cold; but I have been awake quite a bit and even have some laundry going and have done some vacuuming.