I had a discussion with one of the associate pastors this morning about my decision to go to seminary. We talked about a number of topics, and I feel like a hundred-pound weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I had started to realize last week that something was amiss. During the first couple of weeks or so following my decision, I was writing with great gusto, jumping into the schedule as well as I could, etc. Last week, everything crashed. I stopped writing. On the surface, I blamed it on the busy schedule. But in reality, it had nothing to do with the busy schedule, and I knew this. There were other signs that I was crashing. I could have found time to write during those days, and I knew it. I went to my appointments and kept up with the schedule. But the light went out of my heart. I got discouraged; and every time I thought about writing or doing anything that had to do with personal growth or seminary, I clammed up badly. I slept and watched Star Trek episodes back to back. Some of that sleep was badly needed: I am not used to such a busy schedule, and it is hovering around 90 degrees. But I AM avoiding something important, and I DO know it.
Sunday afternoon, I became weepy. The big crash was coming. It finally came Monday morning. What if my references didn't make it in? What if I had psyched myself all up for this and couldn't do it after all? What would I do then? Yes, I know that God is Lord of my time, even if seminary doesn't work out. But I didn't want to think about it. I just didn't trust. Whether it was that I didn't want to or that I didn't have the ability at the moment I don't know. Either way, Monday morning was a very hard morning.
My lack of trust doesn't change the truth. God IS Lord over my time. It's His call where I am and what I do this fall, and deep in my heart I don't want to change that. If I'm not in seminary, I will work on various projects and personal growth and volunteer at the church.
Mike asked me to share the whole story of my decision with him. The story is something I've been trying to piece together for the past several weeks, and I've realized that it's a lot longer than I thought. The crash I experienced last week has to do with something that my pastor said at church a couple of weeks ago and my reaction to it. I knew that I needed to sort out my feelings in response to this. I guess the crash period indicates the strength of some of those feelings. I really hate my emotional crashes sometimes: I fear getting stuck in the patterns of behavior that begin during the crashes. I'm thankful that God used the delay in the arrival of my references to move me out of the apathy and into the expression of the emotions, on to the sorting process. The pastor's words are, in fact, part of my story. I never realized it; but it's true. So I need to share the whole story--not because I need to defend my decision to go to seminary (which was my original reaction to the pastor's comments) but because I do need to know why I am doing this. I need to have direction and not just go aimlessly to seminary because it's the thing to do.
The story is long, and I'll post it separately.