Sarah Blake LaRose (3kitties) wrote,
Sarah Blake LaRose

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a dream and my past

I had a dream just now. I want to go on sleeping, but I need to wake up and write it down because it was so vivid. most of my dreams are not so vivid. I think it is important.

I was attending a seminar, and my dog was not with me. I was sitting at a table, and the room filled to overflowing so that people had to sit on the floor. Someone came up to me and said, "I'm going to move you to the floor in front of Dr. W. so that I can sit there."

I happened to know that Dr. W. (one of my professors) was sitting right beside me because I had been speaking with him. I turned to the person and said, "I will move myself to the floor, thank you." And I proceed to remove my laptop from the table, gather my purse up, and do just that. All the while, the person was saying, "But you might sit on him," etc. I deliberately sat directly farther in front of him than was really necessary in front of him.

Dr. B., another professor, was standing nearby, having not seated himself yet (presumably somewhere on the floor). He said, "Wow! How did that make you feel, to have to move to the floor?" I don't recall what my response was. I recall Dr. W. saying that he knew that I wouldn't have sat on him but the best response would have just been to get up and move. I had to explain that in the past I have actually been bodily moved when people say these things to me. When they say, "Can I move you..." they really do mean that if I say yes, they will steer me and then push me down into the chair.

The part about the seminar is a dream. The explanation I gave to Dr. W. about being bodily moved is not. When I was 12 years old, a teacher asked me why I allowed people to manhandle me like that. I had no answer for her. If I had told her the truth, I would have told her something along the lines of what I was told in the dream. When I stood up to people who wanted to move me here, move me there, I was later told that I was rude. But I never understood the reason for all of this. "Can I move you over so I can sit next to my friend?" Why not make me your friend, and then you would have two friends? Was I really that undesirable? Was being with an existing friend such an overpowering desire that it could make a person incapable of caring about the feelings of others?

When I woke up from the dream, I found myself wondering why I needed to move to the floor? I was the one who arrived first. I had a laptop. And I have a back disorder! The person never gave any reason for wanting my chair. I was simply supposed to give it up--and I did. The question, "Can I move you ...?" really implies that if I say no, the person has some agenda and deserves my place. I am expected to say, "Oh, certainly, you may take my place." The only difference between the incident in the dream and the incidents throughout my past is that I insisted that I would move my own self. I still took the undesirable place, and the whole sequence of incidents and dreams communicates that nobody really minds if I get what is left over or unwanted. Does that mean that I am unwanted?


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