Sarah Blake LaRose (3kitties) wrote,
Sarah Blake LaRose

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coping with medication induced depression

Now is not the time for a Prednisone-induced depression, even if there is a legitimate reason for a scaled-down version of it. I have too much to do, too many papers to concentrate on. All I want to do is hole up in bed with the kitties and pretend it doesn't matter.

But it does. All of it. The papers matter; and what's bothering me matters, even if I can't change it.

I always get through these... I'm posting this public because I do think it matters that people understand that my life is not about being cheerful and confident all the time. I achieve that cheerful, confident air sometimes by a tremendous exercise. In therapy we call it acting oppositie to emotion. It was and remains the most difficult aspect of my life. It often feels like I am denying my own reality. But sometimes reality is molded by my actions; and to refuse to act because I don't feel like it just seals me into a reality that I don't like. It denies the reality that could be. The most powerful moments of acting opposite to emotion are those that come when I am able to completely acknowledge what I feel and want and still choose to do something different because it is better for me in the long run.

But in moments that are so overwhelming, like the Prednisone depression, I have to find a way to give myself space to ride the emotional roller coaster because no amount of action will change the chemically induced state. So it matters that I allow myself the comfort of the cats for a period of time before forcing my brain to do what it really is not in shape to do.

Last week, Dad suggested that I "stop and listen to the holy." How can I do this when I feel so overwhelmed...? Perhaps it would be good to institute a small period of holing up (an hour or so) just to allow my head to clear... I would work better with less time and a clearer head than with more time and a messed-up head...

Fortunately, the last of the massive doses of Prednisone has been taken. I now am just back to the multiple nebulizers a day and the 5 mg dose of Pred at night. Still have a few days of antibiotics. Fortunately, I filled up four weeks' worth of med boxes last night, so I don't need to agonize over whether I'm taking everything I'm supposed to. I just have to get up and take it...


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