More 1995 ramblings... This is intriguing--and enlightening.
One of the pitfalls of the Pentecostal mentality I lived in 1995 is the expectation of immediate transformation. Reading some of my entries regarding certain issues I was struggling with, it is evident that I expected too much change in too little time. Forgiveness and repentence are powerful things; but wounds take time to heal and habits take time to change. It's amazing to me how many entries I read where I write something to the effect of, "I thought I was doing better," and whatever I had been working toward changing had only been in process for a couple of days! It felt like an eternity to me then--I remember the feelings! But a couple of days is hardly time to build a new habit--and it's especially not enough time for the people around me to see a new pattern of behavior in me! That can take months or even years; and it can be vital for me to allow for that time when trying to heal a relationship, whether it's a friendship or a marriage or a coworker relationship. If I have wronged someone, I not only have to appreciate the wrong I have done; but I have to demonstrate a pattern of change over time as a part of my act of repentence--not as a means to earn the person's trust but as a part of my repentence. Trust is a choice the other person has to make, a risk to take or not take. It isn't something I can earn--if it's earned, then it isn't trust. But whether or not I'm trusted doesn't determine my actions. If I am repentent, I do what is right anyway. But in 1995, I was busy worrying about whether I was doing enough that people could see my change--in just a couple of days. I was still worried about what they thought of me. I hadn't really let go of the idol of relationships.
kl1964 asked me why I'm revisiting 1995. It's a legitimate question. I think it worries people sometimes when I revisit periods of my life that were difficult...
I am doing it because I think it's better for me to revisit 1995 than to pretend that it never existed, which is what I would sometimes like to do. I cannot really lose my past self. It is always a part of me, and there are pieces of my self that need healing still. The dialogue I have with myself and with God as I look at these entries is the most healing kind of interaction I can ever have: better than any kind of counseling or mentoring that has ever been available to me. The result is peace for my past self and more wisdom for my current self--and a much deeper relationship with God. So that's why I revisit 1995.