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1995 again

More 1995 ramblings... This is intriguing--and enlightening.

One of the pitfalls of the Pentecostal mentality I lived in 1995 is the expectation of immediate transformation. Reading some of my entries regarding certain issues I was struggling with, it is evident that I expected too much change in too little time. Forgiveness and repentence are powerful things; but wounds take time to heal and habits take time to change. It's amazing to me how many entries I read where I write something to the effect of, "I thought I was doing better," and whatever I had been working toward changing had only been in process for a couple of days! It felt like an eternity to me then--I remember the feelings! But a couple of days is hardly time to build a new habit--and it's especially not enough time for the people around me to see a new pattern of behavior in me! That can take months or even years; and it can be vital for me to allow for that time when trying to heal a relationship, whether it's a friendship or a marriage or a coworker relationship. If I have wronged someone, I not only have to appreciate the wrong I have done; but I have to demonstrate a pattern of change over time as a part of my act of repentence--not as a means to earn the person's trust but as a part of my repentence. Trust is a choice the other person has to make, a risk to take or not take. It isn't something I can earn--if it's earned, then it isn't trust. But whether or not I'm trusted doesn't determine my actions. If I am repentent, I do what is right anyway. But in 1995, I was busy worrying about whether I was doing enough that people could see my change--in just a couple of days. I was still worried about what they thought of me. I hadn't really let go of the idol of relationships.

kl1964 asked me why I'm revisiting 1995. It's a legitimate question. I think it worries people sometimes when I revisit periods of my life that were difficult...

I am doing it because I think it's better for me to revisit 1995 than to pretend that it never existed, which is what I would sometimes like to do. I cannot really lose my past self. It is always a part of me, and there are pieces of my self that need healing still. The dialogue I have with myself and with God as I look at these entries is the most healing kind of interaction I can ever have: better than any kind of counseling or mentoring that has ever been available to me. The result is peace for my past self and more wisdom for my current self--and a much deeper relationship with God. So that's why I revisit 1995.


( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
Apr. 12th, 2006 09:28 pm (UTC)
You wrote: Trust is a choice the other person has to make, a risk to take or not take. It isn't something I can earn--if it's earned, then it isn't trust.

You're right; it's a risk on the other person's part. I do think that it's possible to prove to another human being that you can be trusted, and that it's their choice to take that risk based on that proof. I also think that it's possible to prove trustworthiness and still not have the other person recognize it, since trusting anew after trust has been broken is indeed a risk. If they don't recognize it, it doesn't necessarily mean that it isn't there, and it doesn't necessarily mean that they're right not to see it. Their perception, after all, might be pretty colored by a past slight. The individual who has been wronged isn't perfect either, right? This is objective reality, but at the same time it shouldn't allow us to become lax and use it to comfort ourselves. here's what God says on this and other matters concerning our relationship to our fellow man.
Philippians 2:3 [Let] nothing [be done] through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem the other better than themselves.
Apr. 12th, 2006 10:05 pm (UTC)
You said your mood was very little pain. Do you live in constant pain?
Apr. 13th, 2006 01:31 am (UTC)
Re: Pain?
I have been in almost constant pain since Friday morning due to what is likely an arthritis flare-up--see yesterday's health update. I am not on non-steroidal anti-inflamatory medication, and today I am actually able to get up and do some household tasks with minimal pain. I can lift a coffee cup without pain but taking out the garbage and getting a bag of laundry was still pretty painful. I haven't tried lifting the hair dryer--that was torture yesterday. Lifting a pot of noodles to drain has been impossible for over ten years, so I have developed measurements so that I don't have to drain them after boiling. My typing speed will never exceed 65 WPM despite the fact that I have been typing for over 25 years, and my piano-playing skill is minimal despite the fact that I have been playing for over 25 years and can pick out complicated things musically. I don't have the manual dexterity or strength. I wish I did; but it's a limitation of my body and the answer to my prayers about it is that I need to learn to glorify God in my weakness. I am learning. *smile*
Apr. 13th, 2006 03:10 am (UTC)
Re: Pain?
oh, that's right. I did read that health update. Forgive me. I have been doing a lot of reading of lj posts and comments and so on, and that one slipped my mind. My memory isn't usually that flaky. Anyways, I guess I meant to ask whether that had been going on for years and years non-stop or if it came and went. It appears to come and go. Some people do have chronic pain to such a degree that they live with it all the time for years. I saw a special on television a few years ago about a woman who had so much pain all the time that she had to have a morphine drip implanted in her body. Still, my low threshold for pain makes me ache just to think about being in too much pain to even lift a coffee cup, and I simply can't imagine not being able to drain pasta or play complex piano key sequences due to arthritis. God says that His strength is made perfect in weakness because our weakness humbles us, and God's strength is truly the only thing that can keep us going. I just can't get over how dependent we are on Him. he's truly the only one we can trust. oh btw, The measurement thing is clever, I must say.
Apr. 12th, 2006 10:06 pm (UTC)
Repentance and trust
Good for you for revisiting 1995.

I would like to pretend that that year never existed too.

That's something really worrying about Pentecostality to me. Slow gradual change will do it, but not if we're in a big hurry. Unfortunately it has crept to secular minds.

Well done for seeing the difference between trust and repentance in terms of your relationship to God.

( 5 comments — Leave a comment )


Sarah Blake LaRose
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