I'm really tired but want to get in the habit of writing, both here and in my other journals. I think writing is one of the things that used to help me stay able to deal with a life that wasn't what I wanted it to be. I'm not sure how long I'll be able to keep going tonight, but I at least wanted to talk about what happened at church.
I decided to start singing in the choir again. Singing in the church choir can be frustrating for me because I have the ability to be a strong singer and help others if only I have access to the music--and often I don't, so i end up sitting quietly and learning from other people's mistakes. Mom asked how that was different from a person who couldn't read music doing the same thing. I don't know how to answer except to say that I feel that I'm prevented from giving my best simply by the fact that I don't have music to work from. That's not the director's fault. But wouldn't he want my best? Not my limited best, but my real best. Isn't that what God wants? I take it very seriously--maybe too seriously in some people's opinion.
Anyway, I went, and I took a Xanax ahead of time. I'm still learning not to be afraid of the meds. I keep remembering people at the Assembly of God talking about a person looking "glassy-eyed" who was taking an antidepressant and talking about the dangers of "mood-altering drugs." Yet I think that there is delineation in the Bible between medicinal use of a substance and abuse of it. I'm too tired to look up the passages right now, but I recall two specifically regarding the use of wine: one suggesting that "a little wine is good for the stomach" and another suggesting that people who are well off should not get drunk but leave the wine for people who were sorrowful. Knowing what we know now, wine is not the best thing for a person who is depressed; but I think the concept still applies. Medications are for illnesses, and sometimes emotional instability and anxiety are illnesses. And I'm not acting like a zombie--in fact, I've had more energy uring the day and been actually getting tired at night. Am I using my energy in better ways now that I'm not always using it to head off irrational thinking?
Choir went ok. I even knew some of the songs--or at least was familiar enough with them to follow what was going on. I was also sitting beside a strong singer, and since I didn't have any music or even know what songs we were working on that was very helpful. I'll sing on Sunday and try to get back in the swing of getting involved with church and other things. It might take me some time to get completely on my feet, but I do feel like I'm closer than I have been in a while.
Someone also asked about how my eye is doing and if it was the right one. She said it looks different, that she can see the pupil and something white (maybe the sides of the implant?) and the blue behind it. I was always told that my eyes were blue, but this is the first time a person not very close to me has said anything about my eye color.
This was the first time I had been in the building since surgery that I wasn't fighting off dizziness. I noticed that I was able to see pathways between people, and that's something I couldn't do before surgery.
Getting sleepy. More tomorrow.